Aside

Welcome Back

Okay. So. We’re back at the start of a new year and new goals and new things to look forward to.

December was… hard. And not for any real good reason either. I’ve had an outpatient procedure done which I hope will help me and its spurred a two month trial of sorts to see if that will help in my goal to lose weight. Before you all get cranky with me, it wasn’t a weight loss procedure, it was a… hormonal one…

Weight wise, I’m back to where I was and I’m not quite happy about that. But given that I’ve had absolutely no luck losing weight with the implant but only succeeded in gaining weight, I think that with it removed I might be able to get better success?

I’m hopeful anyway. I’m planning on going back to Weight Watchers Meetings, rather then just doing it online. I’ll be tracking and exercising better and hopefully posting a lot more recipes as I’m cooking for only one now and on a stricter budget.

This is my New Years Resolution, not to lose weight (thought that is a hopeful side effect) but to get back into the method of Weight Watchers.

I’m so ashamed

Screen Shot 2014-11-03 at 6.38.30 PM

Screen Shot 2014-11-03 at 6.38.55 PM Screen Shot 2014-11-03 at 6.39.06 PM

I can’t even. Except to laugh about it. I don’t even know what happened with yesterday. It’s unbelievable honestly. I came home and tracked it all and just had to laugh.

My mother was helpful and laughed with me even while giving me the “wtf were you even thinking of?!” look that all mothers have perfected. And we laughed as I told her the crazy of my food day.

To be fair, it was kind of a crying laugh, but still. I’m just overwhelmed at how ridiculous this is.

For whatever reason my sweet tooth kept hounding me and I had no will power today to fight it. I’m seriously ashamed of myself. Especially after saying that I’d be better this week.

So in punishment I got myself up early and went on the machine this morning so that I could at least pretend that I did something good about it.

But oh my god. I had a slice of pound cake at lunch. And then I had a hot chocolate (small with no whipped cream I didn’t go overboard people) and then a glazed chocolate donut.

I’m shocked and disappointed with myself for even eating like that yesterday but proud that I tracked it and took responsibility for my actions.

Seriously though. I’m eating salad for the next six days for at least two meals a day.

I don’t know what carbs are

Okay, so I do know what carbs are, and I can generally pick out the major ones: bread, pasta, rice, bread…

via howtopaleodiet.com

via howtopaleodiet.com

But past that I’m really at a loss. I realized over the course of  yesterday that the concept of giving up carbs is much more complicated than previously considered. I’m having some concerns about this. Is it like going gluten free? Can I have bread-like products but only if they’re gluten free?

Or is it just all things that are carbohydrates get cut out? Because that includes some fruits and vegetables which would be all kinds of confusing. I just don’t know! It’s an issue.

When I told my mom I was giving up carbs for Lent she was like:

Mom: Carbs is a good thing to give up. I am not sure I could do it. Six weeks no pasta no bread.

Me: Yup. I’m not really sure what a carb is in this situation tho.

Mom: Oh, you better figure it out. You can set your own parameters.

Which was of course, very un-helpful. Though I suppose she just means I can just pick what main carbs to not eat? Again, I have no idea.

But I guess for now, I’ll stick with bread, pasta, beer and white rice (the biggies) until I can figure it out with more clarity.

I didn’t think this would be so hard when I decided to pick it to give up for Lent!!

Mini Goals, A Continuation

First, I wanted to say thank you to everyone who sent encouragement’s to me yesterday. It was really lovely to know that I wasn’t the only one in a funk with every thing and it was just really nice in general. So thank you.

I was so far in a funk that I even stopped taking my multi vitamins and other daily nutritional capsules that I’d been taking religiously since I started this. So instead of setting weight goals, I’m going to set mini goals for the next two weeks, because I think that not focusing on the whole picture for once might help me in getting this back on track.

These mini goals include:

  • taking multi vitamins and other capsules (once and twice a day where required)
  • stretching or walking for five minutes every hour (when appropriate)
  • thinking about the food before I pick it up
  • fewer sweet things should make their way into my shopping cart
  • drink more water, less alcohol
  • use the exercise machine at least three times a week (I’m starting small shut up)
  • Track food

Some of these, like the tracking and exercise, are long term mini goals, but I’m trying to change the culture of my life and to do that I’ve realized I can’t just will them to change. Otherwise I’d have willed off the weight ages ago and gotten a raise and found a man and had a baby.

Tragically, life doesn’t work that way. So, I’m re-starting (again) with mini goals and working forward from there.

not mine

not mine

C’est la vie.

So basically, I’m the worst

I’m sorry. I’ve been absolutely awful about keeping up with this blog recently.

Or actually keeping up with my diet and exercise plan. Which shouldn’t be an excuse for not posting here. I’ve just been intensely lazy recently and thats permeated my entire life, not just in my dieting life. I’ve literally give up all fucks.  (Please excuse all swears. I’m in a funk)

It’s embarrassing to admit, but there it is. I’ve just basically thrown everything – work, diet, exercise, personal interactions – up in the air and said fuck it.

Basically this has been my life for the last two weeks.

not my gif

not my gif

What caused this funk you might ask? Yes, well I’m asking myself the same thing. And when you’re in a funk as deep as mine is currently, it’s really hard to get the fuck out of it.

I’ve gained weight, I’ve done shit with tracking my food and I’ve literally given the finger to exercise. About the only decent thing I’ve done is watch the Olympics religiously. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve worked and done things, but its been minimal and under great duress. 

So please excuse me as I crawl my way out of this funk and attempt to re-establish my life in a way that won’t revolve around carbs, sugar or self pity. 

Well Count Me Frustrated

So I won my mini challenge, I tracked every day, but I gained three pounds. Which is immensely irritating as I exercised quite a lot this past week and thought I ate fairly well.

Though, if I’m being totally honest I wasn’t exactly on plan this week regardless of tracking, but I thought I’d eaten well enough for it not to matter as much as it did.

For sure, my family’s Super Bowl party didn’t help.

Part of our Super Bowl Spread

Part of our Super Bowl Spread

But honestly, I don’t think I ate badly this week. And when I did, I ate lighter the next few days. I’m just frustrated because this doesn’t seem to be working at the moment. I’m not losing but I’m exercising.

I’m at a loss of where to go from here, because I’m clearly doing something wrong. I donno. I mostly just want to go cry in a corner and not do anything.

The morning has barely started and I already want to crawl back into bed.

The Craving: A Stress Eating Story

This is a problem that I have, and of course today is Wednesday so everything is just slightly worse. Over the past two days,  due to mostly work related stress, I’m having seriously big “eat my feels” moments. Which generally speaking is a bad thing.

None of which is helped by the fact that it’s effing Wednesday, which as we all know is my worst day for foods.

I had a pretty decent breakfast, and generally avoided foods that were going to take me down a bad path, but then I had THE CRAVING.

I went into the kitchen to look for my normal go-to craving stopper, clementines only THERE WERE NO CLEMENTINES IN SIGHT. This is a problem. Because I wanted something sweet for which to satisfy my craving and those usually do it.

But with no clementines I had to go searching. I didn’t have a lot of time before I had to leave to go to my weekly meeting and I wanted something fast to hold me. And then I remembered: There was the last piece of cinnamon pie in the fridge. I ate it in seconds.

Then I tracked it (because its my mini goal this week).

Only problem: It did not satisfy my craving for long. Which can only mean bad things for later tonight. I’m seeing chocolate chip cookies or some other kind of sweet thing in my future along with the inevitable pasta dinner that is being prepared this evening for youth group.

Meanwhile, the trailer for The Fault In Our Stars came out. And if that just didn’t make me want chocolate and a glass of wine nothing does.

Lucky for me there exists nothing edible in my office. I was stuck with just the sandwich I had for lunch (sans fries – I was in a good place when I ordered) and tea.

But I’m still craving and I’m still stressed. I can’t even go to a barre class tonight to work it off like I did last night (which was an excellent plan btw). I’m tired and stressed out about the never ending list of things to do that just keeps getting stuff added to.

I want chocolate and I want it now. I want bread and carbs and sweet things. But I can’t. And it’s exhausting.

I need something that will fill the craving with out taking away too many points.

Clearly, I need to get like four boxes of clementines on the way home…