Actually, no one tells me anything

So apparently my neighbors are having their annual Christmas party tonight and I was unaware of this before I ordered lunch.

I got a cheese and bacon hot dog. Not exactly WW point friendly, all because I assumed that we might be able to have something light for dinner.

But NO. We are going to a party where the food is going to be little nibbles and booze. Which, as I said earlier today, is an issue for me. appetizer google search

Appetizer type foods are another of my ultimate weakness because I just never know how to count them point wise. And generally speaking they’re just so effing good!

So my problem here is that this appetizer/nibbles/alcohol situation is my dinner tonight. And it’s an ultimate test of my will power and ability to come back from the edge.

I’ve got 10 points left for the day and 41 left for my weekly extras, so I have that to fall back on. But lets keep in mind that I didn’t track the wine I had last night and didn’t track well this week so I probably don’t even have those points to use. And I really wanted them for tomorrow’s dinner. We’re going to Keens!

Another problem I have here is that no one bothers to tell me this kind of thing. I live in the house and they all talk about doing things and then suddenly it comes up in conversation with me and I’m like “WTF?”

To be perfectly honest, I really didn’t want to be with people tonight. I kinda just wanted to read and not do anything.  And you know, not be with people tempting me with all 10 kinds of deliciousness and booze.

This was not something I was anticipating and it really bothers me that no one actually tells me this shit.

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Eating my feelings

Ah the annual Christmas Pageant and resulting church service, the joy, the pain, the memories, how I do not look forward to you.

I’m a good little Episcopalian girl. I will readily admit that and I go to church when I can make it. I work with the middle school youth group and I enjoy it. I like the kids and I do want to see them in the pageant.

But I cannot begin to tell you how much I do not want to see the girls I grew up with.

They’re all married and one has a kid and are generally more successful then me and way prettier (skinnier).

This internal battle of mine has been going on since high school. I don’t like going to the Christmas service or the Easter service because I feel… less.

Let me run through the hours before the services:

Me: I CAN’T FIND ANYTHING TO WEAR.

Mom: Alissa it’s church, wear something nice and you’ll be fine.

Me: YOU DONT’ UNDERSTAND. IT HAS TO BE BETTER THAN NICE.

Mom: Sweetheart, calm down. It’s not a big deal.

Me: IT’S SUCH A BIG DEAL IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY

Mom: Just put something on we’re going to be late.

Me: WE’RE LATE?!

It generally devolves from there. Getting ready for theses services is one of the most stressful things I do all year. I agonize over what to wear because I know that they’re going to be dressed to the nines. I know in the back of my mind that they aren’t playing in this game. They have no stakes in it. But to me, I have to prove to them that I’m good enough. It’s the worst and most selfish feeling to have when you’re going into one of the holiest services of the Christian calendar.

Essentially this service turns me into the scared little 7th grader who ran away from youth group because she couldn’t deal with how the other kids were treating her and read and ate her feelings away.

I don’t like feeling this way, but I can’t help it. I honestly don’t know how to make it stop. I desperately want to not feel so petty and scared of what girls who couldn’t care less about me think.

Ultimately in years past, I’ve eaten my feelings after getting back from church. I’m hoping that this year, I don’t do this.

Well, actually, this year for the pageant at least, its Sunday morning and I’m on duty for work before I get to fuck off to the Rangers game!

Which, actually, will involve really rich food, wine and beer. Ugh. I can’t win.

I forgot about alcohol

I did. I forgot it was a think I need to track and take control of. And its something I should really remember to do. Because not only will it stop me from drinking too much, but alcohol costs a lot and I HAVE NO MONEY.

Also it costs points wise in Weight Watchers.

My sister made a salad for dinner last night, which was really very good, but her friend came over and bought a two-bottle bottle of red wine and we drank most of it between the three of us.

Wine in my family is a big thing. We drink a lot of it. I like to say that my father weaned me on wine like Italians do.

wine bottlesWe drink a lot of wine in my house. We always have. It’s a thing we have and a hard habit to break. My father learned wines from his father and so forth.

I learned to appreciate good wine from him and cutting back or measuring out the ounces is not one of my strong points.

There is also the whole, I’m still in my 20’s and I’d like to enjoy my liver working for as long as I can so I might over do it sometimes.

This is not to say I’m a drunk. I don’t always drink and I definitely don’t drink to excess with any kind of regularity. But I enjoy a glass or two of wine at dinner and I like good beer and cocktails just like the next person.

I’m sure this struggle to cut back or measure isn’t a struggle I’m going through alone. Alcohol is a social construct that we generally don’t deny ourselves as a human race.

The point of this post is that I need to remember what/how much I’m drinking and take it into account when I’m planning my day or when I’m tallying up the points at the end of it.

I just always forget that alcohol has essentially empty calories. They don’t do anything for you except decrease your inhibitions and spread a warm sensation through your body. So, I have to remember that and make sure I track it.